(Salvation, Salvation, Salvation, Salvation Salvation Salvation, Salvation) (Static) Well that's just fine (Static) Phew! Well, now that that's over, no more music! Time to pocket all those deluxe donations! (UFO whirring noises) What the fuck? (Unintelligible alien speak) (Scream) What do you want from me? Are you gonna probe my ass? Don't probe my ass! (Unintelligible alien speak) (Scream) Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready to clown around? Get ready Get ready Get ready to clown around!

how's it going baby? You're looking pretty damn neat Wanna hop in my car and go get something to eat? Bitch I promise not to roofie your drink like Bill C I don't think I'll go for date murder, but we'll see I'm a mysterious guy, bitches call me obscure They're not sure if i'm pure or i'm just flat premature I don't think that it matters any way the blood splatters all across my windshield while I please my dark masters. I didn't mean it the way it came out Let me explain what the perfect date's really all about First I take you for food, then I take you to bed then you fall on my floor from blunt trauma to the head Nobody hears you scream cause I live in the woods Then I tear apart your body and I sell all the goods Your heart goes to china, your lungs to Brazil There's nothing of you left, investigation stands still I'm a whole lot of things, but a liar ain't one i'm being honest with my goals for before the night is done Oh, i'll gladly meet your father, and i'll tell him this too Cause he'd lose his fucking mind at what I plan to do I can make it look like an accident And when the cops come, i'm devil's advocate And if you're just a witness to my crime Do yourself a favor, call an ambulance I can't be responsible for anything I do Innocent till proven guilty or till my face is on the news Till i'm in a courtroom and i'm making claims under God then I blame the video games and watch the media throw a rod It's a dumb world, and strings are easy to pull All it takes is a few tears, and everybody buys your bull It's bleeding heart America, in this bleeding heart land My tears are way more valid than the blood on my hands I can make it look like an accident And when the cops come, i'm devil's advocate And if you're a victim to my crime Thank the bleeding hearts of Los Angeles

Taters, no gravy (Yuh) Taters, no gravy (Wuh?) All i'm tryna eat's my taters, no gravy (Bruh) Bust in the Cracker Barrel, taters no gravy Don't play me like I'm Sam Raimi, Sony's tryna flay me I don't want your damn gravy, I just want my taters plain-ey Bring me out some tendies and a glass of Champiagne, he brought me out what I ordered Waiter rounds the corner See a tub of gravy, so I only tip a quarter I got passion with my hatred Unfiltered, degraded. If you need that translated, I'm an asshole with patience And that's how i've always been since the very first day and i'll slay a bitch who thinks they've seen me any other way A bitch will know me for six months and think that they know me An editor, a predator, and a touching side of nazi Cause all these other bitches are just gravy to me Throw a motherfucker out when they give me what I need Taters, no gravy (Yuh) Taters, no gravy (Wuh?) All i'm tryna eat's my taters, no gravy (Bruh) If you're a tough motherfucker, just answer me this Why's your hair look like my pubes with I poorly aim my piss? Why's your teeth look like a project gone horribly wrong? I mean my biters aren't bragging rights, but come the fuck on! I just want these newfags off of my cock Like a rock lemme chuck you off a motherfuckin' dock Cry somewhere else, dirty shit eating faggot Backflip on your ashes, take your feelings and bag it If I see your mouth running, you can bet your ass i'll smack it Take your neck and crack it, open wide while I jack it Cause here comes the load, it's my special gravy You're nothing but a tater this is nothing but slavery Cause I ain't your fuckin' bitch, I ain't your fuckin' friend And I wouldn't shed a tear if your life were to end Taters, no gravy (Yuh) Taters, no gravy (Wuh?) All i'm tryna eat's my taters, no gravy (Bruh) Fuck off, go eat shit for all I care.

1 2 with the fam crew Honda Pilot sky blue Khakis 'round my waist With the polo and my good shoes 3 4 with the big score Haters call me big bore Bottles full of pills, each one I got a prescription for 5 6 with the PureFlix 7 8 super straight 9 10 you know where I been on a fuckin' sunday I come in clutch with a bag that's straight full of Cheezits and I get pumped up at the sound of the good word of Jesus 45 in a 50, obey the laws of the land Although they passin' me at 60 Lunch a little crispy Gettin' a lil schwifty Hat a little nifty Shop a little thrifty Hate the little hippies I ain't had a damn erection since I passed the age of fifty I'm the American Boomer, white dad from Coomer Blast from the past, Monster Energy consumer Livin' low but i'm comin' up fast You stomp my flag and I'll stomp your ass! You just tried to call me out? You're a fucking joke Give me a 1 on 1, see if I don't make you croak Beat your fucking chest in, give your ass a stroke You're halfway between cocaine and never had a smoke Your ass looks like a redneck who claims to be woke Who's said some stupid ass shit every time they spoke Now you're attacking me on twitter, you were barely provoked Now I gotta drop the bomb like you're some Hiroshima folk Cause i'm the top of the food chain, as far as I can see How're you gonna attack me without throwing out your knee? Better shut your fucking mouth making jokes about my meat You can barely get it up, and it burns you when you pee Oh, i'm sorry, did I exceed your limitation? Let me grab a glass of water and your heart medication Cause maybe if you weren't such a piece of trash You'd be happier, your wife wouldn't have divorced your ass You're the type of dude the claim your beard is grey cause of stress Clown, shave that shit off, noone wants to see that mess You look like you live off beef stew and Mountain Dew "Not to be racist, but I can't stand a Jew" You're just salty that your wife's happier alone than with you Your dementia's kicking in, goin' bald like Caillou Your dick ain't getting longer, you can put away the ruler Since you wanna be a bitch, cut if off and be a cougar You think you got me down on intellectual humor But there's nothing I hate more than an American Boomer (oh) "Blaf blaf blaf, these damn kids and their technology When I was your age, I had a degree in biology" "Blaf blaf blaf, modern music is piss, I'mma fire up my truck, and show em what real music is" "Blaf blaf blaf, these damn kids and their phones When I was your age I played with sticks and stones!" "Blaf blaf blaf, these damn kids and their sodomy Hope you don't mind if I fuck the economy" FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Please knock it off, your whole life's a tumor Tough talk, generation can't start a computer You look back at the good ol' days, dreading the future Cause you spent your whole life as a fuckin' loser Your heart's as cold as the monster energy in your cooler "Video games are birthing this wave of shooters" If I'd known it'd be this fun, i'da called you out sooner But i'mma move on to the next American Boomer

(ACT 1: LONGING) Head comes off the pillow I'm soaked in my sweat i'm drowning in my sorrow I swim in regret I'm off to my kitchen In darkness for years But none of my melodies are mending my tears Hooooooooooh Will an angel come free me From a world so cold I may have a small dick But my heart's made of gold I've spoken to fools And i've heard from the wise They say the world's better Just before your eyes But I can't see it. No I swear it's not there Why's it so small, it's cruel The world is unfair Hooooooooooooh I've got a high IQ I'm massively smart But r/Scientology Can't fill my hollowed heart Put me back together We belong together I'll come for you baby No matter the weather But what is a king If he can't share his throne If he's stripped of his queen And his name isn't known Hoooooooooooooh My blood is the ink My finger, the pen Our time's coming quickly I just don't know when My long for the day When I call you my own Where I don't spend another night Hurt and alone I stand at your door Confident and disciplined You open the door... And say you're not interested.. (ACT 2: HOPE) I'm not gonna be your average ordinary kinda man But i'll take a one way train ticket, haul me off to pussy land cause That's where I belong Take me to a place i've only heard in the tales To a city in Colorado at the end of the rails Cause that's where I belong In the city far away, where they don't discriminate They don't care about your looks, they don't care how much you make Just 24 hours of pounding on some cheeks In the state of Colorado, in a land that never sleeps There's enough to go around, extra pussy for me They don't care about your wallet cause the pussy is free! And there's no baby daddies who're standing on the side Cause in the city of pussy land, every woman's tubes are tied And I know that I belong, i'll do anything it takes Cause i'm ready to pack my shit and get my share of booty flakes It's been years of this shit, now i'm gonna break free Sail away to pussy land, where there's pussy to eat! Cause just like any man I want pussy extravaganza just like any man fill up my cup i'll tear it up (Aw yeah!) And everybody's happy to live in Pussyland Where there's fortification taking place in the sand Oh i'd give anything just to go for a day Where they don't discriminate based on how much you weigh I need me some pussy, i've been running it dry I'm so horny i've jacked it to the clouds in the sky So I welcome my future, and I know where I stand I'm gonna get on a train and go to pussy land! I walk up to the stand "Give me a pass to Colorado" "To pussy land, to modern Elderado" Cause that's where I belong Cause just like any man I want pussy extravaganza just like any man fill up my cup i'll tear it up (Aw yeah!) Sir your card was decline Wait, you mean to tell me... no pussy land? (ACT 3: SORROW) All that I wanted (Pussy to eat, pussy to eat) (Pussy for me, pussy for me) No more. (ACT 4: RAGE) I've been living like this for as long as I can stand If I can't have that pussy, then noone can! (Laughter and coughing) Fuck you! Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Where you goin', pussy? Get over here. Get the fuck over here. Get back here and fight! Hey freakshow, you're going nowhere. This fist ain't gonna suck itself, fucker! Respect is all I give and regret is all I get Try to be the nice guy but it seems my fate is set One punch Two punch Three punch Four I'll break your fucking bones and make your bitch my whore Just like any man I want pussy extravaganza just like any man fill up a cup i'll fuck it up Just like any man I want pussy extravaganza just like any man fill up a cup and fuck it up (ACT 5: ACCEPTANCE) Just like any man I just wanna feel some kind of affection Just like any man It's rocky and rough i've had enough Though i've gave it all I got it's clear i'll never go Without my ticket to pussy land I'll curl and die alone

My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants Ooh no Oh no Oh If you fuckin' loved me you'da took my hand 'stead of leavin me hanging with my balls out my pants Fuck love, this is why i'm alone Nighttime with the light of my phone These hoes ain't give a fuck My balls won't tuck and I still can't fuck Cause then I start thinkin' about my ma And how I broke my balls when X got shot So I tatted my face and it still says numb Cause I still ain't got my Thanos cum My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants Ooh no Oh no Oh Heavenly father, A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. Amen My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants Ooh no Oh no Oh I still love you and I can't let go Cause my fuckin' mind and i'm all alone And the moonlight yuh and the spotlight uh and I need a thick bitch who can take this bone A big booty bitch who can take her place A big booty bitch who can sit on my face A big booty bitch so I can suffocate And I can finally die and my mental state My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants My balls are too big for my pants

I tore my foreskin today i just wanted to get my Johnson out to play I came in my own bloodstream Is it possible to give yourself aids? This is my balled To that which I lost so long ago It was taken from me when I was too young to tell them no My dearest foreskin Oh, how i miss you. But we will meet again in the end My dick would have had a friend But Jews said your only friend is them I pulled down my pants to clean No cheese but what is it costing me and my dick? This is my balled To that which I lost so long ago It was taken from me when I was too young to tell them no My dearest foreskin Oh, how i miss you. But we will meet again in the end

Uh, yeah. Buy the Pain and Suffering edition. Buy it now for however much you'd like. If you like pain, you'll buy the pain and suffering edition.

(Monkey noises)

kobe is a legend he’s the basketball man i remember how he used to throw the ball up from the line and he would make it every single time or at least i think so he had scored a touchdown in a game against the sox it was the most amazing thing i’d ever seen in the entire history of recorded sports he hit home runs every second playing for the chiefs it was cool as hell but that’s not all in a heated match between a boxer and a bear records were shattered that day when he scored 57 strikes and no one else has ever topped it since it was truly godlike outrunning usain bolt in the boston marathon is an event that i was personally expecting to see him do and i’m glad that he did because that means i won 50 smackers that day all you suckers lost a wad kobe is life in his hip hop odyssey he disses biggie smalls the single went gold in just three days hit after hit it seemed that the kobe train couldn’t stop even if he tried to pull the brakes in 2005 he created a small company based in the foothills of san bruno california because he wanted to catch a glimpse of janet jackson’s titties i would be remiss if i neglected to discuss kobe’s career as a pilot in 1969 he landed a craft on the surface of the moon and made a colony but not before he became the nation’s first black president he served three terms and then got out of there because he said it was just too easy for someone of his ability in the civil war he led the south to victory changed his name to robert lee middle initial is an e the best commando that you’ll ever see you had best believe me he invented several condiments including but not limited to ketchup mustard and mayonnaise he invented the george foreman grill in disguise did i mention that in 7000 bc he invented the dog just as a challenge war will break out in kobe’s absence i fear these are humanities last days i would advise that you prepare for a nuclear winter of hitherto unseen proportions all the firstborns will sacrified and all the youngest will be sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in camps for prisoners of war indefinitely and its all because kobe had to fucking die he died for your sins but do you know babies having babies and dogs giving birth to cats is the new norm in this new world religious marshal law has taken over the whole planet and shows no signs of stopping soon bombs continuously shake the face of the earth to bits and cannibalism has taken a swift turn up in trends when when will this end i do not know i just keep the gospel of KOBE in the year 2076 this whole thing came to an end i was quite old but i was waiting for something like this to happen and i’m just glad that it finally did i had been smart and built a shelter that kept me safe and when the smoke had cleared and it was safe for me to go outside i i had seen something that blew something that blew my mind away ten thousand years into the future it seems that the world begun anew and life had finally remerged so i decided to investigate what could possibly go wrong bones began to creak and shift as i stepped out of my chair for the first time in millenia and i shed my human form as i stepped inside of the robotic exoskeleton that i designed because i was bored this is badass races of highly developed technological mutants welcomed me with open arms as we triumphantly marched down to the cybertavern to knock back some e drinks eventually i grew bored of the same old shenanigans day in day out of diatribes i’d seen a thousand times it’s time for me to stir the pot a bit i shall preach the prophecy of kobe bryant i must enlighten them let’s get to work late in the night i stumbled into my abode and began searching for the book but to my shock the kobible had vanished during my period of cryogenic rest this was the last thing that i wanted to happen but now it has i searched all over and i found nothing so i assumed that that the book the book was gone but how wrong i turned out to be in an ancient abandoned mcdonalds i found a faded scrawl which bore the words kobe bryant is god and you pagans will burn for your sins eternally in deepest hell first i thought it was kind of odd that judeo christian moral structures had survived this far into the future but then then i realized then i realzied what this implied a rudimentary search online revealed holy wars had broken out and one was right around the bend i didn’t know what to think at the time so i did more research holy fucking shit i found a quote that i had written in 2020 that links to a pdf copy of the whole kobible how did even get on the net i have to find out how deep this rabbit hole goes what the hell have i done called into action by the words i had penned i must now evangelize the world with bullets from my gun this kobe war is going to be won i must be the victor kobe in his infinite splendor will punish enemy factions by exerting his divine will upon us, his loyal slaves we will win the war make no mistake i am your messiah and we we must kill for our god now pack the trucks

Number 11: Harp told me to tell you Please help I hit that belly!

30 thousand feet in the air Allah save me Queran say blow up building I say Allah made me Then I marry baby Then I beat my wife Then I ready up my chammel And I go for a ride Into Rhamudamadan Damudan Death to America before the year is done Shout to brother Yahya And brother Salaah Flying in our boat by the power of Allah! Believe in Allah Believe in the word Believe in the Queran And believe in the sword Believe in Mohammad Be driven by faith Close your eyes when you fly Cause Allah lead the way War in Iraq, live in desert Very thirsty Soon I look for water But I pray to Allah firstly Then I see a sign Mohammad bring me goat Mohammed bring me bombs And Mohammad bring me boat! Mohammed bring me love Goat bring me fuck Bomb bring me purpose And boat bring me luck Empowerment to women Spit on your god Shit in the streets And pray in the mosque Got that durkadurkastan blood on my hands hear them cry in english But i do not understand Cause I speak durkadurkastan i'm a durkadurkaman I am loyal to Allah and i'm loyal to Iran Believe in Allah Believe in the word Believe in the Queran And believe in the sword Believe in Mohammad Be driven by faith Close your eyes when you fly Cause Allah lead the way

You thought you knocked me down I'm lifting off the ground I know you don't want anything to do with me I tried so hard to play my cards right I tried so hard Tried so hard to belive Cause you, you are my Galaxy of Stars And I will love you just the way you are I thought I wasn't there I thought I was dead I thought that nothing mattered Crying in the bed But I know you're a little star like me I know you're a little star like me I know you're a little star like me I know Cause you think I haven't shed a tear but All my friends, they left last year and I I miss you I miss them Do you miss me? You are my galaxy of stars And I will love you just the way you are